Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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