I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
