Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
