Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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