Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
