life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
