I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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