You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
