UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
