Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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