I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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