I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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