just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
