Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
