Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
