Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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