textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
