don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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