3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
