You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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