you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
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It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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