I'm eating all of the evidence.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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