Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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