soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
