I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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