She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
