ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
