WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize