I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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