After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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