You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
