Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
