I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
