half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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