im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
did you just send me my own nude
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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