I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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