we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
