hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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