The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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