SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
