Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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