i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I need water and some morals
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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