So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
