i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
