I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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