i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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