hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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