I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
