Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
