I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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