Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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