it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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