Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
