Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
