happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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