Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
