how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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