that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
