if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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