My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I lost the right to judge tonight
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
