high people should be assigned attendants
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
