If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
it's great music for shaving your balls
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
